The Shittiest Party Ever

This post is dedicated to an event that has marked our lives forever. Let us start from the beginning.

Our dear Mormon friend, Ryan Anderson, was leaving for his mission to spread God's word in Tacoma, Washington. After eating and rejoicing, celebrating his departure for such a noteworthy cause, we decided that there was only one way to truly appreciate what he was doing. This was to get shitty at Jordan's house.

Now one of our long time friends, let us call him "Roger" to protect his true identity, came to see us although he had a family event to attend at 8 the next morning. After a bit of coaxing and chanting "pussy", he decided to join us in the festivities. Now we had all known Roger since elementary school but had fallen out of touch with him as he attended a different high school. With all of us off our first years away at college and ready to get back to our respected universities, this was seen as the final hoorah before another few months of limited contact.

Many drinks, pictures, and probably bowls later, everyone was pretty much done. Ecstatic and drinking with one of my best child hood friends, I insisted upon shotgunning a beer before we went to sleep. I ran in to grab the beers, but ended up passing out on the couch instead.

Fastforward to the morning. I wake up rightfully hungover around 9 o'clock. I stumble to the bathroom where I notice piss on the door. Nothing too shocking, it just seemed like maybe someone tried to make it in the bowl from outside of the door and had hit the door with a tiny splash. Still bemused at this weird sight, I stepped up to the toilet to take my turn. Just as my foot was about to land, a sense of foreboding entered my mind as a terrible smell entered into my senses. My foot did land unfortunately, in what I believed was a pile of puke. Disgusted, I washed my foot off, pissed, and went back to sleep.

It was now 10:30 and Jordan yells something around, "What the fuck is this?" I awoke and went to see what calamity had befallen my dear friend. In the hall way, near the pissed on bathroom door, is another pile of said puke. Now I to this day still say it is throw up. The consistency was smoothie ish, a clump but definitely not solid. Jordan immediately says that it is shit, and I must say, it is completely possible. The smell was terrible, I would not describe it as a shit smell though, more of a rancid despicable smell that acted like a dementor, sucking all the joy out of you. Looking up now, I saw another clump of shit. Now add these two clumps onto the one I stepped on in the bathroom, and I do not believe that much shit can fit into one persons body. I would like to say that Roger had an accomplice, but upon entering the guest bedroom where he had slept, a terrible sight was to be seen.

On the guest bed, you could see a still unmade bed, not bad at all with nice white sheets and pillows to match. Nice white sheets with huge doo doo streak marks. And pillows that seemed to be toilet paper substitutes. Roger had already left to go to his family thing, so we could not confront him about it. I attempted a call that was not picked up. Calling our friend Kevin, who was with his older sister that had provided the booze, we told him that there was a lot of shit at Jordan's house and that they should come see it. We then called my roommate, Brian, who lived just down the street from Jordan. Jordan and his conversation went something like this.
Jordan: "Dude Roger left hella shit at my house."
Brian: "Like clothes and shit?"
Jordan: "No like literal shit, shit."
Brian: "Wait, what? Like doo doo?"
Jordan: "Dude just come over. And bring latex gloves."
Brian, Kevin, and his sister arrived to see the damage. Jordan's mom was coming back home late that afternoon and the house was shitty. Kevin's sister, Rochelle, was on the phone with her boyfriend. When told the situation and that Roger went to Purdue, he said, "You mean Poodue."
The respective shit was placed into an empty Costco Nuts' Container. The sheets and rugs were washed but were still wet when Jordan's mom came home. He explained that he stepped in dog poo and had tracked it onto the rugs so he had washed them. He threw the pillow away. Roger denies any knowledge of the incident. We thoroughly regret not gathering photographic evidence, but the legend lives on.